The TSA hasn't explained jack. But we found this audio of a pilot explaining pre takeoff the new in-flight security arrangements and the "Sterile Period." Based on that, here's an unofficial guide to flying this holiday, after the underwear bomb.

Get To the Airport Early as Hell

Oh! More confirmation just this second from Kotaku's chief, Brian Crecente who is flying back from Australia right this moment with some very whiny kids (not his) a few rows away:

We had a second screening at the gate. Hands on thorough check of every bag. Also asked me to open my laptops, but not to turn it on. Then did a metal detector sweep of everyone and very quick pat down. Male security guards for men, women for women.

His captain said that there would be some security procedures they'd have to follow that "won't hurt" but are "slightly unusual."

Will They Search Your Underwear or Crotch For Air Safety?

No word on crotch pat downs, yet.

Be Ready For Anything

We have heard that only international flights entering the US are going to be going through these pains. But we've seen other data to the contrary, and again, we don't have official word about which flights will enforce these rules, except that we should expect randomness (emphasis added):

"Passengers flying from international locations to U.S. destinations may notice additional security measures in place. These measures are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere. Due to the busy holiday travel season, both domestic and international travelers should allot extra time for check-in."

However, readers are coming in with evidence that even domestic flights are being restricted somehow.

From Arturo:

We flew from Eugene, OR to San Francisco today: they would not even let us read paperback books that we had brought with us. According to them, the new TSA directive is that in the last hour of flight, we are not allowed to leave our seats, nor use or have anything from our carry-on luggage or personal items.

And from a Gynranger, who flew domestically:

I few yesterday, just a domestic flight, from New York, NY to Savanna, GA. We were allowed to use electronics but during take off until cruising alt and about 30 minutes before landing they made us shut everything off, including iPods or computers and other devices even those that didnt broadcast.

Again, be ready for hell.

The Important Stuff: Gadgets

It sounds, as if we'll be ok between take off and landing, with gadgets. British Airways is letting people bring electronics on the plane. Some flights are letting people use gadgets up until the last hour, some the last thirty minutes. But as said in this Jetblue audio recording, there will be no in flight entertainment system; "no movies, no tv, no xm radio, the system is required by federal government to be shut down." But it sounds like most flights are allowing gadgets, and all the variation in restriction is happening at landing.

Where You Are is a Secret. Like the Apple Tablet. So Not Really a Secret.

The government, according to some of our readers, have requested the in flight maps be turned off, too, to, I presume, eliminate the risk of geo precise bombings near the end of the flight? Then again, the flight attendants warning you to not get up the last hour of flight and landing gear dropping are sure signs of landing, so WTF.

It's Always Gonna Be Sweater-Weather

You're not allowed to have anything genuinely useful on your lap in the final hour of flight—the sterile period—and that rule includes blankets and the like. This makes attempting to snooze through the remaining portion of the trip chilly and awkward, particularly since pillows are banned as well, so it might be wise to at least dress warm enough to maintain some semblance of comfort.

Bring a Book or Prepare to Die of Boredom

Bring a book. Not a Kindle, not a Nook, not any other sort of ebook reader, but a plain ol' low-tech book. Because apparently books are pretty much the only thing you can have in your hands during the final hour of your flight ("the government says ok") and how the hell else will you keep from falling into a cold and uncomfortable slumber?

Here, more inconsistency appears, with some readers saying no books on landing either. But it is unclear if the books were being restricted because the flyers didn't already have them in hand, or if they were in bags. Again: Confusing!

Tinkle Before the "Sterile Period" Starts

As if having to abandon your personal items during the last hour of the flight isn't enough, you're not allowed to get up to use the restroom during that time. The captain in the audio recording referred to the Since I doubt that your flight attendants would appreciate seeing you break out a bedpan, just plain head to the lavatory before the seat belt sign hits and a line forms.

Then again, some readers are reporting that on their flights, they saw plenty of standing up and walking around going on after the mandatory buckle up:

I must have seen 30 people still doing whatever 20 minutes in and half a dozen people just get up anyways for the final 40 minutes to use the bathroom, go to their bags, whatever, and that was just where I was sitting.

Again: Madness!

More News Soon, Says Pilot

We've been keeping an eye on what's happening in the news regarding flight security measures and gadget-centric regulations, but based on the pilot's announcement, it sounds like some "more news" will hit the wires "tomorrow". No idea if this recording happened yesterday or today, but we'll find out come Monday. I mean, the TSA has to say something, right? I mean, other than "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" with their actions.

What Now?

That's what we've learned from that almost chilling recording. Of course, whether any of that will actually improve actual security is questionable. [Thanks, Jake Lodwick]

Previously: The New, Terrifying No-Electronics US Flight Rules, Underwear Bomb: The New, Stained, Patted-Down Crotch of Terror, Electronics May Still Be OK for Some US Flights,

UPDATE: Here's the TSA's memo to airlines and airports:

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Transportation Security Administration

Aviation Security Directive

Subject: Security Directive
Number: SD 1544-09-06
Date: December 25, 2009

EXPIRATION: 0200Z on December 30, 2009

This Security Directive (SD) must be implemented immediately. The measures contained in this SD are in addition to all other SDs currently in effect for your operations.

INFORMATION: On December 25, 2009, a terrorist attack was attempted against a flight traveling to the United States. TSA has identified security measures to be implemented by airports, aircraft operators, and foreign air carriers to mitigate potential threats to flights.

APPLICABILITY: THIS SD APPLIES TO AIRCRAFT OPERATORS THAT CARRY OUT A SECURITY PROGRAM REGULATED UNDER 49 CODE OF FEDERAL REGULATIONS (CFR)1544.101(a).

ACTIONS REQUIRED: If you conduct scheduled and/or public charter flight operations under a Full Program under 49 CFR 1544.101(a) departing from any foreign location to the United States (including its territories and possessions), you must immediately implement all measures in this SD for each such flight.

1. BOARDING GATE

1. The aircraft operator or authorized air carrier representative must ensure all passengers are screened at the boarding gate during the boarding process using the following procedures. These procedures are in addition to the screening of all passengers at the screening checkpoint.

1. Perform thorough pat-down of all passengers at boarding gate prior to boarding, concentrating on upper legs and torso.
2. Physically inspect 100 percent of all passenger accessible property at the boarding gate prior to boarding, with focus on syringes being transported along with powders and/or liquids.
3. Ensure the liquids, aerosols, and gels restrictions are strictly adhered to in accordance with SD 1544-06-02E.

2. During the boarding process, the air carrier may exempt passengers who are Heads of State or Heads of Government from the measures outlined in Section I.A. of this SD, including the following who are traveling with the Head of State or Head of Government:

1. Spouse and children, or
2. One other individual (chosen by the Head of State or Head of Government)

3. For the purposes of Section I.B., the following definitions apply:

1. Head of State: An individual serving as the chief public representative of a monarchic or republican nation-state, federation, commonwealth, or any other political state (for example, King, Queen, and President).

2. Head of Government: The chief officer of the executive branch of a government presiding over a cabinet (for example, Prime Minister, Premier, President, and Monarch).

2. IN FLIGHT

1. During flight, the aircraft operator must ensure that the following procedures are followed:

1. Passengers must remain in seats beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
2. Passenger access to carry-on baggage is prohibited beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
3. Disable aircraft-integrated passenger communications systems and services (phone, internet access services, live television programming, global positioning systems) prior to boarding and during all phases of flight.
4. While over U.S. airspace, flight crew may not make any announcement to passengers concerning flight path or position over cities or landmarks.
5. Passengers may not have any blankets, pillows, or personal belongings on the lap beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.

AIRCRAFT OPERATOR ACKNOWLEDGMENT: The aircraft operator must immediately provide written confirmation to its assigned PSI indicating receipt of this SD.

AIRCRAFT OPERATOR dissemination required: The aircraft operator must immediately pass the information and directives set forth in this SD to all stations affected, and provide written confirmation to its PSI, indicating that all stations affected have acknowledged receipt of the information and directives set forth in this SD. The aircraft operator must disseminate this information to its senior management personnel, ground security coordinators, and supervisory security personnel at all affected locations. All aircraft operator personnel implementing this SD must be briefed by the aircraft operator on its content and the restrictions governing dissemination. No other dissemination may be made without prior approval of the Assistant Secretary for the Transportation Security Administration. Unauthorized dissemination of this document or information contained herein is prohibited by 49 CFR Part 1520 (see 69 Fed. Reg. 28066 (May 18, 2004).

APPROVAL OF ALTERNATIVE MEASURES: With respect to the provisions of this SD, as stated in 49 CFR 1544.305(d), the aircraft operator may submit in writing to its PSI proposed alternative measures and the basis for submitting the alternative measures for approval by the Assistant Administrator for Transportation Sector Network Management. The aircraft operator must immediately notify its PSI whenever any procedure in this SD cannot be carried out by a government authority charged with performing security procedures.

FOR TSA ACTION ONLY: The TSA must issue this SD immediately to the corporate security element of all affected U.S. aircraft operators.

FOR STATE DEPARTMENT: Retransmittal to appropriate foreign posts is authorized. Post must refer to STATE 162917, 201826Z Sep 01, Subject: FAA Security Directives and Information Circulars: Definitions and Handling, for specific guidance and dissemination.

Gale Rossides
Acting Administrator